Author Topic: "My Feelings For You"  (Read 2347 times)

Offline Aoshi101

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"My Feelings For You"
« on: March 03, 2005, 09:27:43 AM »
"My Feelings For You"

I can only seem
To express my feelings
In words on this computer screen
My one and only darling

When I look into your eyes
It feels like I am no longer part of time
They look like ripples in the sea
Which mesmerizes the hell outta me

When I hold you in my arms
Protection am I, I am your guard
You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen
Dazzling and breathtaking beyond all means

Before I recieve your gentle kiss
Can you just answer me this
Out of all the guys who have something
Why did you choose me, I have absolutely nothing


Okay I really suck but I was actually proud of this one. Go ahead, be honest, my feelings won't be hurt at all if you think it is bad. If possible can you tell me where I need to improve.

*EDIT* Okay thanks PrinJess, I see what you mean I am seeing the problems. Thank you a bunch. Fixing it up now.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2005, 01:20:51 PM by Sanosuke101 »

Temp sig set from a long time ago, only until I get around to making a new one. Been ages.

Offline PrinJess

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2005, 09:51:46 AM »
Not bad. Of course some of the words didn't rhyme and they don't have to be. Every stanza must have a rhyme in order for the poem to have a "flow" of some sort. The two-worded lines in each stanza should be longer.

That's all the advice I can give you. Try reading it out loud and to see the mistakes you made on grouping words together.

I love it otherwise!  :D

Swim upsteam, for the beginning starts there.

cuteflyz89

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2005, 11:21:53 AM »
*in awe* wow..... that is really... really i mean really awesome! XD Great work ishy! Keep it up.

Offline Aoshi101

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2005, 11:27:12 AM »
Thank you both. I just got done totally revising it so if you were reading while I was revising then you probably didn't catch the lastest version. Reread if you want.

Temp sig set from a long time ago, only until I get around to making a new one. Been ages.

Offline PrinJess

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2005, 01:05:30 PM »
Wow! What an improvement! The only problem that got me was the the last line in the last stanza, it's just too, too long. But aside from that, it's beautiful! *sniffle*

Swim upsteam, for the beginning starts there.

Offline Aoshi101

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2005, 01:09:42 PM »
Thank you  ;D


hmmm...the last line....*light bulb turns on* IDEA!!!

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Offline PrinJess

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2005, 01:19:09 PM »
Better, buy you could've just left "I have absolutely nothing" but since you revised so many times, you don't have to. It's your poem. And I still love it.

Swim upsteam, for the beginning starts there.

Offline Angel of the moon

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2005, 06:06:25 PM »
awwww.. tha's so sweet!!!!  ;)
Fuck this fucking world. I don't belong here. I belong.. with someone like me. Someone nice who actually has feelings. who tries not to hurt other people. That would be nice. actually once -n- awhile... i wonder if there is a part on the world that is like that. I don't think so, cause the way people treat me. I mean, i don't try to hurt people, but, y'all do. People never understand me. Never have. Never will. So  just run away.

Offline Cabbit

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Re: "My Feelings For You"
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2005, 02:13:20 PM »
Not bad. Of course some of the words didn't rhyme and they don't have to be. Every stanza must have a rhyme in order for the poem to have a "flow" of some sort. The two-worded lines in each stanza should be longer.

That's all the advice I can give you. Try reading it out loud and to see the mistakes you made on grouping words together.

I love it otherwise! :D

Well, you don't ever have to rhyme anything.. but do try reading them out loud if you aren't sure of the sound. Rhyming isn't and shouldn't be the only tool you use to make a poem "flow" correctly. Choosing soft or hard sounds, long vowels, stuttered pacing and the like are all as important in their pressence (or lack of) as rhyming.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2005, 02:14:32 PM by Cabbit »