Author Topic: my last attempt to make a short story  (Read 973 times)

Chaos

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my last attempt to make a short story
« on: July 19, 2005, 10:25:01 AM »
ok i was bored and i need names, ok whats a good alchemist name? like
The "Place cool name here" Alchemist

ok heres the story so far. the prologue-
Alchemy-
~
Prologue
~

   As I left the roof i noticed something, a dew drop of blood. Glistening on a piece of metal, as I walked over to see what this oddity was; my boots of leather crunched in the snow atop the roof. my baggy clothes swayed with the winds that constantly bite at my skin. As my hand reached out and brushed against the cold and smooth metal; a flashing light came out.
 
   â€œWhat the...” said the boy

   Even as I reached out I felt something burning on my hand. As i looked down i noticed something that was not there, a full blown transmutation circle, the detail was amazing. As soon as he noticed this oddity, he yelped in pain as the same burning happened all over the chest; stomach; and his other arm and hand. The pain blossomed in his head as if someone just hit him on the head.

   â€œWhat's going on?” he said “WHAT'S GOING ON?!”

   He slammed down on the roof to relieve the mind numbing pain out of his left arm, but something happened another flash out brilliant eye stinging light. His shirt burned off and he felt very hot. As this was happening the place he hit was covered in blood as he looked down he found that it was his blood, the cuts and bruises were gone...

   â€œHow is this... Possible?”

   â€œSo i see you found out how to tap into alchemy” said a ominous voice, “But still you don’t understand... Well let me explain”

   â€œWho are you” gasped the boy, “AND WHAT IS GOING ON?!”

   â€œI am your new alchemy teacher... you do know what alchemy is, right?”

   The boy started to answer but all of a sudden he blacked out.

~
Chapter one- Ishbal Symbols and a boy named Holt
~
______
ya i need to slow it down a bit... what do you guys think? also for the fact some things are not capital, i am using apple works and not word.

Offline Waffo

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Re: my last attempt to make a short story
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2005, 05:13:41 PM »
I'm not too happy with the switching of first and third person constantly.


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Offline Jammer

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Re: my last attempt to make a short story
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2005, 09:25:11 PM »
It's terrible. Don't exhibit your rough drafts.
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